Changes in one's life can lead to reflection. A lot of hindsight, pondering, and reevaluation. This past year, as I have mentioned before, has been full of changes. Two major changes to be precise. What's interesting is how things change. Friendships to be specific. That's been the hardest part - change can lead to losing friends. But then, were they really friends or were they actually acquaintances that we would lean on because of convenience. Were they my friend until the change occurred and then took 'sides' and I lost out? When I look at how my life has changed, I know that the changes were for the good. My stress level is WAY down. My husband has even noticed it. He didn't realize how much I was effected. But the loss of friendships is still hard. With that said, I know I wasn't perfect either. I own that. The changes came unexpected and surprised many. I have reflected on that as well. How could I have done better? How can I be a better friend? How can I change things in the future? That is also hard. Hard to look at oneself in the mirror.
My challenge now is to avoid/harness the anger. I want to lash out. I know how I could and make 'impact' but I don't want to be that person. But no one (except for just a few) know how I feel. How I have reacted in private. Few really know the facts and even they don't know it all. But I feel judged, chastised, alienated. The paranoia in me hears the comments, rumors, opinions.
Why do we do this to others and to ourselves? Why must we judge? Why can't we realize that sometimes the change is right for the person making the change and accept it?
But then, as I reflect while typing, I realize and remember more of the 'facts'. Some of the realities. Realities that would be wrong of me to mention here. But those realities led to these decisions we made. They are what drove us to move on. We needed to be 'healthy' and staying in the same place wasn't 'healthy' for us. One can only thrive in a 'healthy' environment and where we were wasn't 'healthy' for us. It wasn't 'healthy' for me - physically and emotionally.
But despite all of that, what does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to have a friend? People use the term 'best' friend but what does that really mean? I remember using that term in the past 'best friend' but I remember the hesitation as well. They really didn't know me. Whose fault is that? Mine for not being more transparent? Theirs for not really listening and caring to know? How often are we so wrapped up in our own troubles, hurts, and anger that we fail to really listen and invest in the lives of those around us? Mind you, turn this around and I am also talking about myself. I failed to really listen, care, and invest the time.
But I still ask ... what does being a friend really mean? Now is the time for me to find out. Now is the time to learn how to be a true friend.
My challenge now is to avoid/harness the anger. I want to lash out. I know how I could and make 'impact' but I don't want to be that person. But no one (except for just a few) know how I feel. How I have reacted in private. Few really know the facts and even they don't know it all. But I feel judged, chastised, alienated. The paranoia in me hears the comments, rumors, opinions.
Why do we do this to others and to ourselves? Why must we judge? Why can't we realize that sometimes the change is right for the person making the change and accept it?
But then, as I reflect while typing, I realize and remember more of the 'facts'. Some of the realities. Realities that would be wrong of me to mention here. But those realities led to these decisions we made. They are what drove us to move on. We needed to be 'healthy' and staying in the same place wasn't 'healthy' for us. One can only thrive in a 'healthy' environment and where we were wasn't 'healthy' for us. It wasn't 'healthy' for me - physically and emotionally.
But despite all of that, what does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to have a friend? People use the term 'best' friend but what does that really mean? I remember using that term in the past 'best friend' but I remember the hesitation as well. They really didn't know me. Whose fault is that? Mine for not being more transparent? Theirs for not really listening and caring to know? How often are we so wrapped up in our own troubles, hurts, and anger that we fail to really listen and invest in the lives of those around us? Mind you, turn this around and I am also talking about myself. I failed to really listen, care, and invest the time.
But I still ask ... what does being a friend really mean? Now is the time for me to find out. Now is the time to learn how to be a true friend.
